BY ASHLEY ANTHONY • THE JACKSON (TENN.)

Single mom Melanie Holt says getting back into the dating game wasn’t like an [1] eHarmony or [2] Match.com commercial. Four years ago, her friends had to convince her to call the man she’s still dating now.

We both weren’t looking for a relationship,” Holt says.They each have two children and were cautious about introducing them to one another.”We’ve tried to make decisions in our relationship based on what would be best for our children,” Holt, 39, says. “We talked about when it would be right for our children to meet. The kids don’t ask for this situation, so you want to make it a healthy environment for them.”Holt, who lives in Jackson, Tenn., started dating after she and her husband of 10 years divorced. After the divorce, it took about two years for her to go on a date.

She’s protective of her children, who are now part of a blended family since her ex-husband remarried.

Dating with children can be complicated, Holt says.

“We’re trying to find a balance between our children, their schedule, our work schedule and just normal household stuff,” she says.

And finding that balance can be difficult for divorced single parents. A reality series on the Learning Channel last summer called “Must Love Kids” followed three single moms in their 30s and highlighted the challenges of finding a partner when children are involved.

“A lot of people don’t know what goes on behind the scenes for a single parent,” says Stacy Kaiser, a relationship expert and psychotherapist from Los Angeles. “It’s not easy.”

Single parents shouldn’t introduce their children to someone they’re dating unless the relationship is headed in a long-term direction, says Kaiser, who is a single mother of two.

“If you have doubts about the relationship, it’s not fair to bring the children into it, because they’ll grow attached to the person you’re dating,” Kaiser says.

Also, introducing your child to the person you’re dating can be awkward for him, she says.

“It can put a lot of stress on kids and make them feel anxious,” Kaiser says. “For a child, their world is about them. They end up wondering ‘How is this going to impact me?’ and ‘How is my life going to change?’ ”

Putting kids first

When Holt dated a man who didn’t have children, he wasn’t understanding, she says.

“When he called, he seemed demanding and less understanding because he wanted to spend time with me when I had my children to take care of,” Holt says.

Kaiser says most adults who don’t have children are used to putting themselves first instead of a child.

“Another issue that comes up with this is if your child doesn’t like the person you’re dating and they’re mean to him,” she says. “Don’t force the person you’re dating on your child. You can’t force your child to like someone you like, just like you can’t force someone you like to like your child.”

Holt’s children seem comfortable with her dating situation. She keeps her children first and lets them know that the person she’s dating will never take their place in her life, she says.

Kaiser says children can feel threatened by their parent’s relationship.

“They’re worried they’ll lose their parents to that relationship or have less time with their parents,” she says.

Learning to date

Pamela Perry, a single mother of two in Jackson, describes her dating experience as different.

She’s been single for four years after divorcing her husband.

“I never really dated,” Perry, 44, says. “I met my husband in college, and bam, that was it.”

Her children are now 19 and 23.

“They’re pretty good about letting me make my own choices about the men I date,” Perry says. “I’m trying to find someone who’s not into playing games when it comes to a relationship, someone who is honest.”

For single parents learning how to date, Kaiser suggests seeking friendships with the opposite sex first.

“Get involved in hobbies, classes where you’re socializing with men but not forced to go on a date that can be scary,” she says.

Blind dates aren’t a bad idea either, Kaiser says.

“That way, whoever you’re getting fixed up with comes with a reference,” she says.

Perry dated someone for two years after her divorce.

“A lot of men now are afraid to commit themselves, not necessarily to settle down but to a relationship,” she says.

But Perry doesn’t plan to call it quits on dating just yet.

“I’m going to keep on chugging along until I find that person,” she says.

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