Still looking for love in their later years

By DAN GOOD

  Jack Ross tosses a wooden board over the plastic legs of his work bench and unwinds the cord on his jigsaw, preparing to cut through the wood. He used to be a carpenter, but now he just does this for fun.Ross, who’s in his 60s, used to be married, too, more than 30 years to the same woman. But in the mid-1990s he and his ex-wife decided they were better apart, so now in addition to the woodworking he kayaks and bikes and occasionally, he dates new people. He’s not looking for another wife - he’s searching for someone to pedal her bike beside his, to fill the seat next to him on trips to Civil War battlefields.

“I don’t know what it is, maybe I’m too fussy, but I know what I want and I’m going to keep looking until I find it,” he says. “It’s hard to meet somebody.”

Ross isn’t alone. According to U.S. Census Bureau statistics from 2002, the most recent census study on our country’s older population, about 23 million people older than 55 years old aren’t married. While that number includes the frail and sickly and people who have no desire to date again, it also includes millions of seniors coupling up. Death and divorce brought this about. Medicine and technology help keep it going.

Dating’s a different game at this age, but in many ways it’s similar to those teenage years. The guys, like their younger selves, still try to show that they have money and a fancy car, and some actually do. Instead of applying makeup to appear older, women use makeup to subtract years from their age. But it’s tough to build a future on something fleeting like appearance. Skin wrinkles. Hair thins. Bodies creak and sag.

In the end, these single seniors just want to find someone to grow old with.Ross looked for his next girlfriend in the classifieds. No dice. Friends set him up on some disastrous blind dates. The streets of the 55-plus community where he lives, the Oaks of Weymouth, are about as quiet as the beach in February, so the grind of Ross’ saw echoes off the neighboring houses and street signs. The sound reaches up the street and around the corner to the activities building, where a dozen ladies line dance inside. But stepping to “Achy Breaky Heart” isn’t really the definition of active that Ross is searching for. And it seems the line dancers are all married.

Nanci Phifer, 62, is one of the married line dancers. Two divorces behind her, Phifer says there’s more responsibility - but the same sweet, sappy sinew - attached to dating later in life.

“When you start dating, you have the same giddy feelings you did at 16 or 18,” she said. “I’d like to say you’re wiser at my age, but that’s not necessarily true.”

Maybe realistic is a better way to describe it. When dating at this age you’ve experienced more life events, more happiness, more heartbreak. Everyone in this dating pool has buried the one they loved or lost the one they loved or missed out on a chance at love. Having children also changes the dating landscape, Phifer says.

“You have kids and they have kids, and it kind of puts a damper on things,” she says.

In our busy world, more seniors are scouring the internet for love. A quarter of the people who find matches on the dating website www.eharmony.com are over 50, and according to Joe Tracy, publisher of Online Dating Magazine, the fastest growing segment for online dating is seniors.

“Initially the boom was with people between the ages of 25 and 40, then it grew with college students. Now senior citizens are seeing this as a great way to meet people,” Tracy said.

The trend has taken off locally, as a dating Web site based near Philadelphia, www.seniorfriendfinder.com, is filled with profiles of seniors from Linwood, Ventnor City, Atlantic City and Millville, the seniors all looking for pretty much the same thing.

Sexual chemistry factors into many senior relationships. Ross searches for a younger companion because he wants to maintain his sex life. He says women in their late 50s and 60s tend to lose their drive, and he’s not ready to give that up.

Age can take away a man’s drive as well. Bedroom frustrations are one of those things that guys don’t like talking about, so erectile dysfunction has grown into a $2.7 billion dirty little secret. That’s how much money people in the U.S. spend every year on ED medicines like Viagra, Levitra and Cialis, according to Miller-McCune magazine. A generation ago if a man couldn’t perform there was little he could do about it. Now, with the little blue pill, there’s still hope.

Sometimes sexual activity continues into those nursing home years. JoAnn Starn, activities director at Millville Center, said she’s accidentally caught residents in the act. One male resident frequently bragged to Starn about his sex life and Viagra use. She brushed it off thinking he was joking, but when he passed away she had to go through his belongings, and sure enough, she found his Viagra stash.

“With seniors you wonder how long they’re able to remain sexually active, and here you have the answers,” she said. “It depends on the person’s health and if they’ve been active all their life.”

And then somewhere along the line, in the 70s, the 80s, the 90s, senior relationships shift focus from contact to companionship. After the sex fades couples continue holding hands on the bus, eating lunch together, sitting outside, talking. If dating at 55 feels like high school, this resembles middle school romance - more harmless, less pretentious, bonds built over field trips and socials.

Elaine Schiapelli, 82, is looking for that type of connection. Elaine has had a few special men in her life. She was married twice, then after moving into the Millville Center she dated Fran, who used to give her jewelry. It’s been two, two and a half years since he passed away. She continues to hope for another Prince Charming.

“I want someone who likes to laugh and have fun and who likes to dance,” she says. “You know anybody like that?”

Patricia Stewart, 76, found someone like that. Known him for 40 years, too. She was friends with Carl Stewart and his wife years ago, and the couples stayed in touch through Christmas cards. Patricia’s husband died 12 years ago. She didn’t think she would marry again, but after Carl’s wife also passed away, he asked Patty to lunch and they started dating.

Earlier this week, they celebrated their first wedding anniversary.

“I knew what kind of person he was, but we never realized how much we had in common until we started dating,” she said.

Jack Ross prepares his woodworking equipment. His T-shirt reads “Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Bike.” But the slogan is misleading, since life is never really that simple. Biking alone on familiar roads gives you a lot of time to think about much more than eating and sleeping.

Someday, when he finds someone to pedal a bike beside his, Ross’s life will truly be simple again.

This entry was posted on 09/10/2008 at 07:14 pm and is filed under Senior Dating. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.

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